A Rose In Bloom

Better than I could be. Not as good as I’d planned.

Friday, October 14, 2005

It's never going to end...
I had a realization today, and not one of those good ones that makes you smile about the beauty of life either. One of the ones that makes it a little hard to breathe, the kind where the panic sets in at such a drastic speed lying down seems like the only real option.

As of now, I am still not done with my thesis. I plan/need to be by the end of the semester but NYU red tape still makes that plan seem like a slight impossibility. I am still unemployed and living with my mother with no car. But I had come to peace with all of these things. The pressure is still on for my paper but I was doing okay otherwise.

Until today.

Today I received that little piece of paper in the mail that reminded me that, for the next twenty years of my life, I am still indebted to my college years, the good and the oh so very bad. My loan payments need to be repaid to the tune of almost $500 a month for the next two decades of my life. And right now, I don't even have that much money in my bank account which makes payment number one, due on November first seem like a salty knife going directly into my eye. I'm at a loss and more than a little overwhelmed. I'm feeling all light headed and wobbly, like I'm standing on a boat that just keeps rocking back and forth and back and forth and...

I'm working on eventually coming to terms with the choice I made to be a psuedo academic, but more importantly, I have to figure out how to call off the loan sharks until I can afford to begin my lfe sentence, I mean payments.

I think a martini might help, but the kind I shake up in my own kitchen because I absolutely can not afford the kind from and actual bar.

4 Comments:

  • At 1:44 PM, Blogger Stephanie said…

    I don't know what kind of loans you have, but consolidate and defer defer defer. Not having a job is ground for deferment. My boss deferred for like 5 years.

     
  • At 2:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sorry to hear your woes - that's the #1 I'm NOT looking forward to about law school. You're always welcome at Casa Bullodegard :) The Z-man makes a killer chocolate martini.

    (sorry about the smiley Rachel)

    ~Lindsey

     
  • At 5:45 PM, Blogger timothy said…

    Here's where positive words of encouragement are supposed to go... but I've never been good at that so I'll leave so blog spam instead...

    "Your blog is really neat. You should check out my blog about "debt consolidation" the interest rates are really high, but that's ok, the sight is just a cover for porn anyway!"

    College loans are like an ex, you've gotten what you needed and moved on, so why do they have to keep calling you!

     
  • At 10:22 AM, Blogger Rachel said…

    I know it sucks, but I have to believe that everyone who is now middle aged and done with their college debt went through this too. It's really fun explaining to the people who work with you that have no debt and undergraduate degrees why you can't shop like they do...I have quite a few more bills!

    Don't worry about the smiley Lindsey - I don't care if others use it, I'm just getting annoyed that I have to as well!!

     

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