It's never going to end...
I had a realization today, and not one of those good ones that makes you smile about the beauty of life either. One of the ones that makes it a little hard to breathe, the kind where the panic sets in at such a drastic speed lying down seems like the only real option.

As of now, I am still not done with my thesis. I plan/need to be by the end of the semester but NYU red tape still makes that plan seem like a slight impossibility. I am still unemployed and living with my mother with no car. But I had come to peace with all of these things. The pressure is still on for my paper but I was doing okay otherwise.

Until today.

Today I received that little piece of paper in the mail that reminded me that, for the next twenty years of my life, I am still indebted to my college years, the good and the oh so very bad. My loan payments need to be repaid to the tune of almost $500 a month for the next two decades of my life. And right now, I don't even have that much money in my bank account which makes payment number one, due on November first seem like a salty knife going directly into my eye. I'm at a loss and more than a little overwhelmed. I'm feeling all light headed and wobbly, like I'm standing on a boat that just keeps rocking back and forth and back and forth and...

I'm working on eventually coming to terms with the choice I made to be a psuedo academic, but more importantly, I have to figure out how to call off the loan sharks until I can afford to begin my lfe sentence, I mean payments.

I think a martini might help, but the kind I shake up in my own kitchen because I absolutely can not afford the kind from and actual bar.