My 26th birthday has come and gone. I don't necessarily feel older just more at ease with an even digit year. The celebration was fantastic! My friends showed their love in droves with yummy food, tasty martinis and fabulous presents the thanks for which can not be expressed in words. I needed that. Truth be told, my birthday couldn't have come at a more appropriate time.
I feel like this birthday brings with it the need for a resolution. Perhaps even resolutions, plural. Things aren't good. Well, that isn't entirely true. I mean, some things are good but there are a lot of things that have finally caught up with me. After a pretty dramatic breakdown last week I've realized that the way I choose to deal with my life isn't always healthy. I seem to walk a fine line between always looking for the positives in my life and ignoring and hiding from the bad which only means that the bad stuff isn't going away, it just isn't being dealt with and that has gotten me no where. Well, see, that isn't entirely true either. It's been my coping mechanism my whole life and so far it's carried me through some pretty tough situations. I've always just sort of thought that If I can make everyone around me think that I've really got my shit together well then maybe I do. But my path over the last year has put me in an environment where everything is heightened. All of the junk that I used to be able to ignore or hide from is right there, staring me down, all of the time. There are people in my life who are making me question things, hard questions that I don't know the answers to. Or, more appropriately, that I don't want to answer at all because the truth hurts.
So, that said, twenty-six isn't so much about the fun of the birthday as it is about the start of the journey. I've decided to take some real steps towards being the person I always claim I am. I want to be whatever that means and more. I want to be better to myself, to my family, to my friends. I want to lay down at night and be able to sleep, the lost in your dreams all night, peaceful kind of sleep I haven't had in ages. I want to set some real goals on where I want to be in my life in a year, two years, five years. And I want to make sure that the way that I get there is healthy and happy and fulfilling.
If I'm starting the honesty thing for real I guess this would be a good time to tell the universe how scared and freaked out I am. But, the journey begins with the courage to step off the cliff and be confident that you'll learn to fly in the process. So, here it goes...